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Mar. 11th, 2005 @ 12:52 am
I just can't sleep.

I tried to talk to Toby today and he completely ignored me. After telling me that he understood our break up and saying he would be there for me as a friend. It really hurt. I need to stop worrying about it because there are so many more important issues I need to deal with now.

Is anyone doing anything soon? I need to get away from here...now!

Well, I am going to go take a ton of Nyquil listen to my soothing sounds of the ocean cd to try to fall asleep.

Please, someone, invite me to go somewhere so I don't have to invite myself!
Current Mood: blah

Mar. 9th, 2005 @ 08:21 pm
I know I haven't been social for the past week or so. I apologize. Things are not well at home. I don't know how many of you know this yet, so I will just say it...after all, a journal is a place to express your thoughts.

My mother has an irregular heart condition and she was recently given a few months to live. And actually, that was the first time I have not broken down in tears when typing, saying, or even thinking that sentence. My emotions have literally been up and down. First I was angry with her for not telling me. Then I was sad because I am still trying to imagine life without my mother. Now, I am just trying to enjoy the time I have left with her.

Danny isn't taking it so well. For once I actually wish he would pull one of his practical jokes or make disgusting noises or even put "at" at the end of a sentence. I just wish he would do something to let me know he's going to be all right.

I talked to Toby last night. I decided that I couldn't take the stress of having a boyfriend right now and he completely understood. What I really need is a great friend, and he has been just that. Many others have been great too. Thank you.

Sorry to cut this short but I need to go to bed soon. I haven't been sleeping well. Tonight I am actually tired, so I am going to jump at the chance to get some shut eye.
Current Mood: blank

Mar. 4th, 2005 @ 11:40 pm
Not a lot has been going on in the Van Zandt household recently unless you count insomnia, depression, and, oh yeah, the fact that my mother is dying.

Tuesday, I went to Craig's shindig. It was fun for a while, though I felt odd being dressed in emo fashion. Toby and I were wallflowers for most of the night, so we just talked to each other for a while. I did get to interview Marco for my last minute Grapevine article while I was there.

On Wednesday I got my math test back. A+. I should be more excited but I'm not really that worked up about it. It's just a grade. I came home and had a short conversation with my mother about her declining health and then decided I needed to get out of the house. Marco invited me to Dylan's hockey game, so I went with him and then got some got tea at the Dot afterward. I went back to my house where emotions were strong, but I just stayed in my room by myself.

I finally talked to my mother yesterday. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about this situation to the whole world yet. I haven't really been able to deal with this myself, let alone letting everyone else know what is going on. And this paragraph is vague beyond belief. I apologize. :(
Current Mood: blank

Mar. 2nd, 2005 @ 11:11 pm

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28 Mar. 1st, 2005 @ 05:48 pm
First of all, I would like to report that my mother is doing 110% better. The doctor's still don't know what happened to her. She was barely breathing when they got her to the hospital. That is going down as the scariest day of my life.

Last night I went to the Dot. I wasn't really expecting to see anyone there but a lot of people from school were there. I sat with Marco but he seemed to be lost in his own little world. I wish I would have seen Toby. We didn't have a chance to talk all weekend.

I didn't go to school yesterday because I was spending the day with my mother. That made it a four day weekend for me. I went from not missing any school to missing two school days in a row.

I hardly had time to talk to Toby today. I don't sit next to him in any of my classes and when I was going to wait for him after class to walk to lunch with him, they called for an impromptu Grapevine meeting. Toby told me he would call me tonight.

And thus concludes the time I have to myself. Danny just walked in the door which means I will be exiting stage left to go to the Dot. Hot chocolate sounds very nice right now.
Current Mood: awake
Other entries
» 27
Toby, I sincerely apologize for just running home last night without any explanation.

Yestereve, Toby came to my house to walk to JT's party with me. I was greeted at the door with a cough in the face. We started walking toward JT's. We were halfway there and as we were trying to decide whether or not we would actually be attending JT's shindig, I got a text message from my father. After getting over the shock that my father actually knew what text message was/ how to use them, I read it:

"Get home! Something wrong with your mother."

I panicked and ran, leaving Toby standing there.

When I got home, my mother was on the floor, lying still, and unconscious. We called the emergency squad and they rushed her to the hospital. I spent my whole night there.

She finally regained consciousness this morning at 8:30. The doctors still don't know what happened to her. I am so glad she's still alive. I don't think I could handle a major loss like that.

As soon as they are finished running tests on my mom, I am spending as much time as I can with her. This incident gave me a reality check and has made me realize that life is too precious to waste.
» 26
The streak is broken. And no, I'm not having flashbacks of Susan Lucci winning her first emmy. I'm talking about school. I, Liberty Van Zandt, missed a day of school. It is the first in a long time and now I won't get the perfect attendance award I had been hoping for. :(

I just hope I can start feeling better so Toby and I can still go on our date. I don't want to miss it.

My head is pounding right now and my whole head is congested. Sleep is what I need. I will NOT miss another day of school!!!!
» 25
I am beyond exhausted. I come home everyday and do homework until early evening, go through my nightly fights with Danny, and then come upstairs to my room where I lock my door to find solitude.

I talked to Toby tonight. We are doing something soon because he just got a big paycheck. Weird, I didn't know he had a job... But anyway, I think we are going to eat some Japanese food somewhere and go to the foreign film festival I have been talking about for the past 2 months. Toby is the best!

Math could really be going better. I got a low mark on my most recent math quiz. It really makes me feel horrible when I get bad grades. I have no idea how anyone can get a bad mark and walk out of class like nothing ever happened. Maybe I'm weird.
» 24
I would just like to say that Daniel Frances Van Zandt is officially banned from my room. Seriously. There is a sign on my door and everything.

On Friday, he came into my room and sat his pop on my computer, which he eventually knocked over, thus ruining my brand new PC. Needless to say, father wasn't too thrilled.

Words were exchanged, and eventually, Daniel had to use most of his money he earned mowing lawns last summer to pay for my new computer. And as my father and Daniel installed it, I sat there with a smile on my face.

It has been so quiet in the Van Zandt house now that Danny has been put in his place.

Last night I went to a party at Ellie's loft where I talked to Marco for a while. I can't believe I even got out of bed to go. This evening there was another party at Ashley's where Marco and I watched TV. I would have been equally satisfied just watching a documentary about killer whales in my own home but I suppose it was good to mingle with my peers.

I'm not too sure how Toby and I are. We haven't talked in a couple days. I hope we aren't growing distant. I was becoming quite fond of him. :-/
» 23
The past few days have been wonderful. Yesterday, I went to Emma's house after school. It had been a long time since I had "chilled" with Em. I made her some of my world famous banana daiquiri's...I think she enjoyed them.

After that I went home and then met a few friends at The Dot. Since when do they have tater tots? They are delicious and I had more than my share of them. A lot of other people from school started coming so I sat there and took a lot of conversations in, while eating fried bite sized potato snacks.

It's official. Toby and I are an item now :)
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